


In which Tart finds an English Muffin and declares War

by UCCMaster



Category: Magia Record: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Side Story
Genre: Crack, English muffins, Gen, Tart’s smile is trademarked and copyrighted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25465465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UCCMaster/pseuds/UCCMaster
Summary: Exactly what the title says.
Kudos: 9





	In which Tart finds an English Muffin and declares War

**Author's Note:**

> Hey you all, I've written another crazy crack fic with our favorite French trio. Takes place during Iroha and Yachiyo's march to Orleans.  
> I do not own Magia Record or Tart Magica

Corbeau snuck her way through the French encampment. Honestly, this was too easy. The guards were so easy to fool and those ‘La Puella’ bitches never used their eyes.

She ducked behind a table as none other than THE La Puella herself walked past, completely oblivious to her presence. She grinned darkly, spotting a lone loaf of honey bread on the puella’s plate. Come to think of it, she had left Orleans early that morning and hadn’t had time to eat her hastily prepared breakfast. Why did the French get to have nice things?

With the precision of a fedora wearing adventurer, she took out her own muffin and swapped out the honey bread, then took off towards the woods, cackling as she went. Ah, to be evil indeed, life was great!

—/

“I call this meeting of the Tart High Command to order!” Tart said, thumping down the hilt of her sword. 

Most people were probably expecting La Hire or even Liz to be the militaristic head of the French. Most people were wrong. Said mercenaries were standing slightly behind the maiden, a perplexed look on their faces as they wondered why things weren’t the other way around. Next to Tart, Melissa nodding earnestly, eating every word her holy maiden said. 

Before them, an array of French knights, footmen, and auxiliary forces sat before them, also completely engulfed in their maiden’s words. Yachiyo and Iroha stood off to the side, observing quietly. 

“My fellow countrymen! Once more, I shall raise this sword, for this country’s--no, for France’s salvation. Order has gone up in flames, and so much purposed has been lost to the English. Our future vanished in but a second. Listen to my words, brave warriors gathered here, legion of brave heroic soldiers! No matter if you were sworn enemies or no matter how far your settles apart, now you must entrust your backs to one another! My true name is Jeanne Tart! In the name of my Lord and France and La Angel, I shall stand as your shield! This struggle is one that has long endured through the sands of human history. But there is no need for concern as untold fateful encounters await you. Though this entire land has become the battlefield of our Holy War, though the world has been brought to ruin, though countless witches and familiars block your path, the end has still yet to be determined by anyone. Now, let us begin our fight! Vive Le France!

The army roared in furor. Liz, La Hire, Yachiyo, and Iroha clapped politely. They had heard that speech too many times to really be affected by it. As the army filed out to prepare themselves, Liz turned to Tart. 

“Is that the only speech you know?” Liz asked somewhat rudely, “because it is seriously getting stale.”

“Well it works, and that’s the important bit,” Tart responded, not deigning to look towards her critic. “You understand the treachery that has been done, do you not? I propose we break this siege and go after those vile and despicable English.”  
“It’s just a muffin…” Iroha muttered softly. 

Tart’s eyes caught the young magical girl and glared in that saintly way. “Just a muffin, La Iroha? Just a muffin? Why, it is exactly because this was just a muffin that we must take action!” 

Melissa nodded, “See here Iroha, I know you come from the future, but stealing a muffin is a serious business, not to mention the horrid abomination that was left behind in its waste!”

“It’s an English muffin,” Yachiyo deadpanned, “I had one for breakfast before we came here. They’re not bad and they go great with butter.”

The entire camp froze as one. Every French eye turned slowly towards the perpetrator of something so evil, so unthinkable, that they might as well burn in all 12 purgatories before being sent down to the fire pits of hell. They’re Catholic…this fits perfectly within their theology.

Tart lowered her eyes. “You enjoy that thing?”

Yachiyo, being the observant one, looked around the camp and decided a quiet retreat was best. “Actually, I don’t. Boo! English muffins are bad.” 

The entire camp let out a sigh of relief as soldiers put down their spears and clubs and resumed their activities.   
Finally, Liz had enough. “Okay, that’s it,” she snapped. She pointed at Tart accusingly. “Why the fuck are you in charge of this?! I’m the mercenary, the Dark, Brooding, and Gritty Edge Puella! What you know about revenge wouldn’t fill half a page, even if you tried to write it yourself!”

“My dearest Liz,” Tart said, smiling a dazzling, saintly smile™©. “Of the two of us, which of us actually managed to defeat a crab witch? Despite having barely any training or knowledge of combat might I add?”

“W-why is Tart smiling like Kaede does when she goes into the Mirror Witch’s Labyrinth?” Iroha tugged on Yachiyo’s costume nervously. 

“Oh no, I don’t know who you are talking about, but I am quite sure that I am MOST DEFINITELY NOT smiling like your friend Kaede at all.” Tart said. “Your friend most likely has a radiant, heroic smile ™©, which is completely different from my dazzling, saintly smile ™©. See? Completely different.” She smiled. It was very dazzling, very saintly, trademarked and copyrighted.   
Satisfied at the trembling Puella before her, Tart marched off, “And now to avenge the English for this treacherous deed.”


End file.
